blunt essays with sharp points
Jun 27, 2004 3:09 PM–
The apes at Lincoln Park Zoo are finally getting a chance to take their revenge on people who for years have been pounding their palms against the glass walls of the primates’ old home. At the zoo’s new Regenstein Center for African Apes, chimpanzees can touch a panel hidden from public view that will shoot harmless bursts of air at unsuspecting visitors.
The story calls this revenge, but SCRVPVLVS observes that escaped primates typically take their revenge by escaping to attack their keepers and the public, particularly women and children (perhaps because they are the most common patrons). Consider the attacks in the United States alone within the past ten years:
- 11/29/1998, Dallas Zoo. Hercules, gorilla, escapes, mauls 25-year-old keeper Jennifer McClurg, tormenting her for nearly an hour.
- 5/30/2000, The Zoo Gulf Breeze. Sara, orangutan, escapes, inflicts multiple bites on a female keeper.
- 7/24/2000, Dallas Zoo. Chimpanzee escapes, injures a keeper, and is electrocuted grabbing for a power line.
- 9/28/2003, Franklin Park. Little Joe, gorilla, escapes, jumps on 2-year-old Nia Scott and bites 18-year-old zoo volunteer Courtney Roberson – and heads for bus stop.
- 3/18/2004, Dallas Zoo. Jabari, gorilla, escapes, injures 26-year-old Keisha Heard and critically injures her 3-year-old son Rivers Noah; also injures Cheryl Reichert and her 4-year-old son Logan – shortly after being teased by some youths.
SCRVPVLVS thinks the Lincoln Park chimps would rather be able to touch a hidden panel and trade places with unsuspecting zoo visitors. And evidently the Dallas Zoo keepers are to be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes they fool you by walking upright.
What part of “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” don’t you understand?
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. —Terry Pratchett
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig. —Robert Heinlein
Do not ask why the past was better than the present, for this is not a question prompted by wisdom. —Ecclesiastes 7:10
Power lines abruptly stopped causing cancer in 1997 after the U.S. National Cancer Institute conducted a better study. —Robert Parks
Встретимся под столом! (Vstretimsja pod stolom: To meeting you under the table!)
The more you cry, the less you’ll pee.
Relish the love of a good woman.
It’ll never get better if you keep picking at it. —advice from Judge “Maximum” Bob Gibbs