blunt essays with sharp points

Revenge Of the Apes [link]

by Scrvpvlvs
Jun 27, 2004 3:09 PM–
The apes at Lincoln Park Zoo are finally getting a chance to take their revenge on people who for years have been pounding their palms against the glass walls of the primates’ old home. At the zoo’s new Regenstein Center for African Apes, chimpanzees can touch a panel hidden from public view that will shoot harmless bursts of air at unsuspecting visitors.

The story calls this revenge, but SCRVPVLVS observes that escaped primates typically take their revenge by escaping to attack their keepers and the public, particularly women and children (perhaps because they are the most common patrons). Consider the attacks in the United States alone within the past ten years:

SCRVPVLVS thinks the Lincoln Park chimps would rather be able to touch a hidden panel and trade places with unsuspecting zoo visitors. And evidently the Dallas Zoo keepers are to be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

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